Naruto of the Dragon Blood
by soulful-ginger
Summary: This is the most massive crossover I have ever undertaken. There will be plot holes, vulgar language, and tasteless humor. This is a hallway crack fic. Naruto will be a God brought to Konoha and grossly overpowered. Enjoy. I don't own any of the 43 books, anime, manga, cartoons, or T.V shows I've thrown in here. NarutoxSkyrim. HAREM.
1. Naruto Rises

**Attention my loyal fans. This is the most massive crossover I have ever undertaken. There will be plot holes, vulgar language, and tasteless humor. This is a hallway crack fic. Naruto will be a God brought to Konoha and grossly overpowered. Enjoy. I don't own any of the 43 books, anime, manga, cartoons, or T.V shows I've thrown in here. **

Two hooded figures stood on the top of a mountain, gazing intently at a raging battle roaring underneath them.

"It goes poorly" one turned to the other.

"He has not joined the battle yet. He alone will turn the tide in our favor against the vile Thalmor" the commander gripped his sword tightly.

A cry rang from the valley below,"**Fus Ro Dah**!" A wave of pure blue energy carved a path through the stunned elves.

"The Dragonborn arrives!" an Imperial officer shouted joyfully.

"Move forward!" commanded a Stormcloak general.

"CHARGE!" was the war-cry from the combined forces. Roars of bloodlust echoed off the mountainside as they trampled the earth beneath their feet in their final offensive.

At the lead was a tall Nord, arms bulging as he swung a two-handed Daedric sword. Its blade arced with electricity and he opened his mouth,"** Yol Toor Shul**!"

Hellfire sprang from his parted lips and incinerated forty of the Thalmor's crack troops. His sword was a deadly extension of his body, beheading and carving through armor and other swords. Even the Moonstone of Elven armor and weaponry stood no chance against the black and red serrated blade.

The two hooded figures dropped their heavy cloaks to join the battle," Ready Tullius?"

"After you, Ulfric" the two slid down the mountainside. They laughed joyfully as they felt like the young soldiers they were at heart again.

"Move forwards my brothers and sisters! Free Skyrim from their vile hands!" The Dragonborn directed his troops. The Thalmor troops scattered in fear at the tide of humans, Dark Elves, and Khajiit. Thankfully for all of Skyrim, Ulfric Stormcloak had long since abandoned his racist views on the brave and valiant species he once held with such contempt.

The Dragonborn led his Dark Brotherhood allies alongside The Companions of Jorrvaskr. Thieves Guild archers picked off fleeing elves while Karliha's carefully laid traps wreaked havoc, dropping boulders and logs on the confused army. Wood Elves used Restoration magic to heal the wounded behind and on the front lines of battle. The Dawnguard put their crossbows to great use as the high-velocity bolts punched through armor and organs.

"We are Skyrim united! Let us show them Her power!" Tullius rallied his troops.

The Dragonborn cried out," Odahviing! Hear my Voice and come forth. I summon you in my time of need. A red and white dragon swooped from the clouds and allowed The Dragonborn to ride on his back, showering The Thalmor with a storm of ice spikes.

"They are routed! Push them over the cliffs like the trash they are!" Ulfric pointed his sword towards the end of the cliff.

It had only taken two hours for The Thalmor to be buried under a mountain of flesh and steel.

…

***The Next Day***

Cries of joy were echoed across the land as it was finally announced that The Thalmor had been defeated by a strike-force of combined Imperials and Stormcloaks. News arrived from Elsweyr and Morrowind that The Thalmor government had been decimated by a well-equipped and trained rebellion.

The Empire, after hundreds of years, was finally unified. Hammerfell had signed a treaty with The Empire proclaiming good intentions and plans for a trading boom.

Cyrodiil and The Emperor, Emperor Cassius II, named The Dragonborn a national hero, something all other lands copied.

Now The Dragonborn was at his home in Whiterun, Breezehome, with his strong and faithful wife Lydia. In his hands was the squirming bundle that was his son, Gallus, named in honor of the former Guildmaster of the Thieves' Guild that was robbed of a chance at a family.

Only a few select people knew of The Dragonborn's birth name. The Jarls, The Emperor, his wife and son, and his Housecarls. His true name was Namikaze, Auron Namikaze. The Namikaze had been a clan of brave warriors, hailing from a land that was long ago absorbed by Morrowind.

Pride ran through Auron's blood as he gazed at the blonde head of his son.

"Our family has been blessed, young one. We are the new carriers of The Dragon Blood. You will be legendary my son, just as I am now" he smoothed the child's wild hair. Gallus babbled happily and grasped his father's finger tightly.

"Already strong like his father" Lydia wrapped his arms around her husband's shoulders.

"We are all strong and our future generations will prove it" Auron kissed his wife's hand and led her over to a chest. He placed his armor and two-handed sword into it.

"These shall be passed to every worthy future Namikaze, let us pray to Talos that they will be useful."

"So, Almighty Dragonborn. How about we make another child?" Lydia breathed into his ear.

"Not a bad idea" he hefted his wife onto his shoulder and walked to their room after putting Gallus to bed.

…

***One Hundred Thousand Years Later***

"I'm sorry, Naruto. Sasuke is a more pressing concern for me to train right now" Kakashi Hatake stared at his book and tried to avoid looking at his blonde student.

Naruto fumed," And why's that? Because he's the last Uchiha? I'm so sick of hearing that fucking title!"

"Naruto, you should be more respectful of your teammate. He's lost everything" Kakashi tried to calm the blonde, to no avail.

"Oh, he's lost everything? He's lost his heritage? His legacy? The memory of his parents faces? I've had none of those! They were all robbed from me!" Naruto yelled.

The Copycat ninja tried to stop Naruto from leaving, try to give him an explanation but he hesitated. He had no excuse, no explanation. He could only watch as Naruto stormed away and out of the hostpital.

***Hokage Heads***

Naruto had never felt so alone, so unwanted. Tears fell silently down his face as he gazed at the setting sun on Konoha's horizon. He had come to his favorite spot in the entire village, the mountain dedicated to all the past Hokage, something he's always wanted to be.

The Fourth had always been his favorite, even after all he had done. After Mizuki had revealed what was inside of him, Naruto had spoken to The Third and thrown him off with his rare seriousness. Hiruzen Sarutobi had told him all about The Fourth's sacrifice. Naruto had taken it in stride, understanding that The Fourth did it out of necessity and not haste.

Clarity pulled at Naruto's mind as he now understood why the people hated him like they did. He felt like there were no new dawns, no escapes from the Hell he called a life.

Little did our little blonde know his story was about to begin a new chapter.

As he silently cried he didn't notice the spider web cracks forming under him and with a crunch, the rocks shattered.

He plummeted deep into the darkness, screaming obscenities and insults at the Gods who wouldn't just give him a break. His fingers tried to find purchase but instead only found open air as he fell deeper and deeper into the darkness.

His cries were silenced as his back connected with the floor of a cave.

"Fuck you, gravity" he hauled himself up. His hand was bleeding, just enough for a single drop to touch the floor. The cave shuttered and groaned before torches sprang to life.

All was illuminated and Naruto could see the blood seal on the floor. A cold wind pushed him forward and he obeyed without question.

Something was tugging at the back of his mind," Yes, you will find your power here, your legacy."

The tunnel ended into a large cavern with crystals on the walls and an underground spring bubbling next to him. Small animals drank from it and ate from bushes that survived by the glow of the crystals.

"So, you've finally come."

"Who the Hell said that?!" Naruto whipped his head back and forth.

"Try in front of you, dumbass" a hand slapped his forehead. The blonde yelped and glared at the blonde man in front of him.

"And just who the fuck are you? Another assassin? Pissed off villager? Take your insults, roll 'em up, and cram them up your ass!" Naruto shouted.

All was silent in the cave before the blonde burst out laughing," You must be Kushina's son! You have her temper!"

"Who's Kushina?" Naruto cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"Sarutobi never told you of your lineage? That bastard! If I could sustain myself outside this cave I would gut him!" the tall blonde roared.

"Just who are you? How do you know anything about me?" Naruto drew a kunai and took a defensive stance.

"Please, allow me to clarify. You are a Namikaze, a direc-"

"I'm not a Namikaze, I'm an Uzumaki" Naruto cut him off.

"They even deny you your name? They will soon taste my sword! Your mother was an Uzumaki, a former ANBU captain and the wife of Minato Namikaze…your father is a direct descendent of me."

"And for the last time! Who. Are. You?"

"My name is Auron Namikaze, also known as The Dragonborn of Skyrim. All Namikaze are important in history. I am your Great X13 grandfather; I united the lands of Skyrim and brought freedom to the known world. My son, Gallus, revived our clan and kept the lands from starting another civil war. Long before the Armageddon of Earth, Gallus's grandson, Takeo Namikaze Otori, united your part of the country when it was still known as Japan. Over the years, continental drift locked all forms of land into one large mass, forming the Elemental Countries. Stop me if I'm going too fast."

Naruto shook his head," Keep going."

"In the year 2001, before the mushroom clouds bloomed, Ichigo Namikaze Kurosaki, defended the living and non-living worlds from attacks by rogue souls, called Hollows, led by Arrancars, and defeated their leader, Aizen. Your great-grandfather is the person known as the Sage of Six Paths, he wielded Old World powers. His name was John Namikaze, more commonly known as The Vault Dweller, he cleansed the irradiated waters of the Wasteland known as the Capital Wastes. His brother was Derrick Namikaze, The Courier, who aided an old army called The NCR in protecting a dam that provided vital energy to his own stretch of The Wastes. John and Derrick, together, created a modified version of the virus known as F.E.V, Forced Evolutionary Virus, which was used to create giant abominations known as Super Mutants. All modern shinobi owe their chakra paths to the brothers as their virus helped them to achieve the next level of human evolution."

"My family is a bunch if bad-asses" Naruto gaped but somehow managed to smile.

"Your grandfather was a master of space-time manipulation, like your father. His name was Lelouch Namikaze. He was long ago thought dead, pierced through the chest with a sword. It was all part of a cleverly constructed plan for him to live happily with his two wives, C.C and Kallen. Before he died, he sired your father who then sealed the Kyuubi into you" Auron squeezed the blonde's shoulder and hoped he hadn't overloaded the poor boy.

"I know it is a lot to take in but your ancestors and I will train you. All of the past Namikaze will be here to take you into your mindscape where time will slow to a crawl. For this month we will train you for two years in combat, tactics, justu, art, science, music, math, and seduction" Auron waved his hand.

People began to appear by ones and twos before over twenty people stood in front of him.

"These…these people are my family?" Naruto asked with a tremor in his voice. They all smiled warmly at him.

"Meet Alucard, Jak, Ichigo, Takeo, Gallus, John and Derrick, Lelouche, Snake, Vincent, Cloud, Kenshin, Dante, Julias, Volatire, Nikola, Alexander, Leonardo, and of course…your parents."

A blonde and a redhead stepped forward and hugged Naruto tightly.

"My son…my beautiful son. You've grown so much" Minato whispered.

"My baby boy, we're so sorry…so sorry. We wish we could've protected you" Kushina sobbed.

Naruto began to cry," B…but I thought you were absorbed by The Shinigami."

Minato laughed," Ichigo over here is a Shinigami himself; he let me out after he kicked my ass for what I did to you."

Minato then doubled over after Naruto him in the stomach before wrapping him in a hug," That's for trusting those idiot villagers."

"-Cough- I deserved that" Minato wheezed before being struck in the back of the head by Kushina.

"Damn right! DATTEBANE!" Kushina yelled.

"Come, young one. It is time to unlock the real you" Auron touched Naruto's forehead and all went black.

***One Month Later***

It was time.

The crowd cheered in anticipation when Genma stepped into the arena," Will Neji Hyuuga and Naruto Uzumaki please step into the arena?"

Neji appeared with a smirk but Naruto was nowhere to be seen.

"I guess he realized Fate was against him" Neji sneered.

"Methinks thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee. I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon you. To quote from Shakespeare" a voice rang throughout the arena.

"Naruto Uzumaki?" Genma looked around the arena.

The sound of footsteps slowly echoed from the Fighter's Tunnel. A blonde emerged, although nobody recognized him.

He was 6'3 and rippling with muscle. He wore bronze leggings, gauntlets, and a breastplate over a black shirt with a red cross on the sleeve. One of his eyes was purple, the other blue. A scar in the shape of an 'X' was on his cheek and he readjusted the chainmail sleeve he wore on his left arm. He wore white shinobi pants with bandages on the left thigh with thick, black combat boots.

On his back was a wicked looking black and red two-handed sword. A tri-barrel pistol was strapped to his thigh and a bandolier of ammo was slung across his chest. He touched his fist to his chest and bowed.

"Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze. Present and accounted for" Naruto then pulled out a dagger and cleaned his teeth with it.

Neji looked at Naruto with an arrogant sneer," About time you showed up. I figured you would have run for the hills."

"Oh, you know me, I never go back on a promise" Naruto responded and looked into the stands, winking at Hinata. Her face damn near exploded before she fainted into her sister's lap.

"The match between Naruto Uzumaki and Neji Hyuuga will now begin. Hajime!" Genma shouted and leaped away.

"Give up now, Uzumaki. I don't want to embarrass you in front of the entire village" Neji dropped into his Gentle Fist stance.

"I'm going to enjoy snapping open your chest and ripping that 'Fate rules all' bullshit straight from your body. Bala!" Naruto lifted a finger and fired a blast of pure black energy at Neji's feet.

The blast rocked the stadium and launched Neji into the air. In a flash of white, Naruto was above him," So slow. How disappointing."

"Disappointing? I'll show you disappointing!" Neji spun in a circle of energy that made Naruto skid back.

"The Rotation? A Main House move? Not bad, Neji. Unfortunately…It's useless against me."

Naruto rammed his fist into the Hyuuga prodigy's ribs, his bones cracking and groaning under the impact.

"This is for attacking your blood!" Naruto dropped his heel onto the back of Neji's neck and slammed him into the Earth.

"She took my father!" Neji roared.

"Konoha took your father, fool!" Naruto screamed back.

"You don't know anything!" Neji stood.

"I guess I'll have to beat it into you."

"You're within my field of divination." Neji said with a smirk and a hack of blood.

"Bring it."

Neji charged forward," 2 Palms, 4 Palms, 13 Palms, 32 Palms, Eight Trigrams 64 Palms!"

His fingers struck every last one of Naruto's chakra points hard enough to make them burst open. The blonde grunted and staggered back before disappearing in a plume of smoke.

"No…." Neji whipped his head around with his Byakugan activated.

From a jet of fire that sprang from the ground, Naruto stepped forward and clapped," You say I know nothing. I know everything, Neji. After all, I'm the one who stopped that Kumo asshole. It's Konoha's fault your father is dead, they trusted a village who had coveted and sought after the Byakugan for decades to not attempt something when they were let inside the village."

Neji fell to his knees, head bowed and lungs filling with blood," How?"

"While you went for my chakra points…I went for your vital organs. A friend of mine taught me this punch that collapsed the left chamber of the heart very slowly. This is a demonstration that Fate does not exist, we forge our own paths," Naruto formed a series of seals and his left eye glowed slightly yellow.

A series of pops and cracks could be heard as Neji felt his ribs realigning and straightening.

"You will live today, Neji Hyuuga, as a new man" Naruto hefted Neji up and placed him on an awaiting stretcher.

"The winner is Naruto Uzumaki!" Genma cried and lifted Naruto's arm in the air. People from visiting villages roared for Naruto and his display of sportsmanship. The ones from Konoha just looked on in disdain that Neji hadn't killed or maimed 'The Demon'.

Said blonde had just returned to the Fighter's Box, getting a number of looks.

"_Holy shit. Naruto's hot now"_ Ino mentally drooled.

"_I wonder if his other sword's a two-hander" _Tenten allowed her mind to wander.

"_Oh, hell yes he's mine after this is over" _Temari licked her lips.

Naruto suddenly let out a perverted giggle.

"Will Sasuke Uchiha and Gaara of the Sand please step into the arena?" Genma called. Gaara was down in a flash, Sasuke was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's the Uchiha?" one Kumo civilian yelled impatiently.

"Go ahead, postpone the match and prove that you favor The Uchiha, Hokage-sama" Naruto spit the word out.

Hiruzen flinched at the harshness but gave the call nonetheless. Sasuke Uchiha was disqualified.

Boo's and jeers erupted around the arena and Naruto scowled deeply.

"Will Temari of the Sand and Shikamaru Nara please step down into the arena?"

"Eh, troublesome. Maybe I should forfeit" Shikamaru began to raise his hand, only to be punted into the arena by a smiling Naruto.

"Ah, ah, ah, Shikamaru. If you don't fight, I'll tell your mom you read Icha Icha" Naruto wagged his fingers.

"But I don't!" Shikamaru exclaimed.

"Your mom won't believe that when I plant a copy of the newest book in your room next to a box of tissues and some hand lotion."

Shikamaru paled," You wouldn't."

Naruto reached into a pocket and pulled out a familiar orange book and waved it teasingly," Fight or lose your balls, Shika-hime. Your choice."

"Troublesome blondes with their troublesome ways and troublesome schemes" Shikamaru grumbled and turned to face Temari.

"Hajime!" Hayate hopped out of the way.

Temari began to chase Shikamaru around with her fan," What did you say about blondes you pineapple headed bastard?!"

Shikamaru shrieked and took evasive action, dodging swipe after swipe, before finally catching one straight in the baby maker.

"Well…we better start thinking up a new name for Shikamaru. A female one" Naruto cringed slightly.

The octave that Shikamaru's voice reached caused windows to shatter and dogs to howl violently.

"So much for him having kids" Kiba cringed harder.

"Winner by T.K.O, Testicular Knock-out, is Temari of the Sand!" Genma cried. Medics came to drag the now female Nara into the medical bay on a stretcher.

"Will Shino Aburame and Kankuro please step into the arena?"

"I-I forfeit" Kankuro smiled and raised his hand sheepishly.

"Oookay. Shino Aburame is the winner! Will he and Naruto Uzumaki please step into the arena?" Genma sighed.

"There's not a fucking chance that I'm fighting him" Shino said in a surprising display of emotion.

"O.K. He forfeits too…Will Naruto Uzumaki and Gaara of the Sand GET IN THIS GODDAMN ARENA RIGHT NOW!?" Genma yelled.

The two fighters appeared," You will prove my exis-"

Gaara was interrupted by a swirl of leaves as Kakashi and Sasuke appeared back to back," Are we late?"

"Late and disqualified, Hatake" Naruto faced the pair.

"What? How can they do that?! I'm an Uchiha! An Elite! Who's Gaara fighting now?" Sasuke fumed.

"Your teammate, Naruto Uzumaki" Genma wanted to start the match already.

"That loser? I'll take his place" Sasuke stepped forward but was halted by a cry of "Fus!" and a gust of blue energy knocking him back.

"You're late, I'm his opponent. Deal with it" Naruto's voice was deathly cold.

"Out of the way, dobe!" Sasuke began to charge lightning chakra into his hand, much to Kakashi's horror.

"How did you learn that!?" Kakashi rushed forward to stop The Uchiha.

"I watched while you trained and copied it," Sasuke smirked.

"It's people like you that make me sick you Uchiha piece of shit! You steal jutsu like a thief in the night and when you get your ass handed to you, you skulk away like a whipped dog with its tail between its legs!" Naruto shouted.

"Don't talk about Sasuke-kun that way, Naruto-baka!" Sakura howled from the stands.

"Shut up you wannabe Uchiha cock sleeve! You're the most useless kunoichi in the entirety of the Elemental Countries! If you trained half as hard as you follow this limp dicked fuck-up, then you'd be in this goddamn arena fighting right now! I'm so sick hearing you praise this runt. He's the weakest Uchiha in ten generations and his dream of killing Itachi is fucking laughable! He's a weak, arrogant, cock blowing, lazy, no dicked, balless, power seeking, ambitious piece of useless horse shit!" Naruto's rant caused eyes to widen.

All was silent.

Not a single word spoken.

Kakashi's jaw dropped.

"Now, we fight" Naruto looked to Genma.

"One moment" the proctor stood, grabbed Sasuke by the collar of his shirt, and punted him into the stands before starting the match.

The cork on Gaara's gourd popped open and sand flooded out towards Naruto. With a slight wave of his hand, flames sprang from Naruto's palm. It was a low-level Destruction spell but to the non-magic shinobi it was devastating.

'No hand signs? How?' Hiruzen gaped at Naruto's new found skills.

The flames leapt towards Gaara, white hot and roaring, and engulfed his sand. The chemical reaction that followed turned the sand into glass, which shattered on the arena floor.

"I expected more. How sad" Naruto pulled out the revolver on his thigh. "It'll be interesting to see how my Cerberus handles your sand armor.

Naruto leveled the revolver and pulled the trigger, sending a compact ball of orange chakra directly into Gaara's chest that hit him with enough force to slam him into the arena wall.

"Now Gaara, my friend, we're going to play a game. This dagger is called Mehrune's Razor, the same dagger wielded by the Daedric Lord of Ambition, Violence, and Revolution. It has quite the interesting power, something really special indeed. If I cut you, this blade has a 1 in 10 chance of killing you instantly. Only your luck will determine if you're fit to live another day" Naruto drew the black dagger and sliced Gaara's unarmored arm, much to his siblings horror.

One moment passed.

Then another.

The tense silence was broken by Naruto throwing back his head and roaring with laughter," Lady Mara is on your side, Gaara! No matter what you think, The Nine Divines have dubbed you worthy of life! You are not the monster your people have dubbed you as and I will be by your side to prove it. You can call me…your friend" Naruto picked up Gaara and carried him to the medics.

"Thank you, Naruto Uzumaki" Gaara laid his head back.

"One more thing. Shukaku, I know you can hear me. Kyuubi says if you don't leave Gaara alone she's going to show the other Tailed Beasts that picture of you at the Kami-mas Party last century."

***Inside Gaara's Seal***

"Shit! No one can know what I look like without my sand!" Shukaku looked at his sand-free form in a mirror. The powerful One-Tail was actually an Italian man in a brown Tanuki suit, tail included.

"They can never know that it's-a me! Mario!"

***Back in the Real World***

Gaara shivered for an unknown reason.

"Winner! Naruto Uzumaki!" Genma cried.

This time, more people from Konoha cheered but only for the fact that Konoha's 'demon' had beaten Suna's 'demon'.

"Will-"

An explosion rocked the arena as it was flooded by Sand and Sound shinobi.

"All according to plan" Naruto grinned and vanished towards the Hokage's box.

***With the Third Hokage***

This was bad. Orochimaru was on the offensive and pushing him back steadily with the Kusanagi.

"You've grown weak, Hiruzen. Time has finally caught up with you."

"Well then, let's hope that I'm more of a challenge."

Orochimaru wheeled around to find a man standing in black and red demonic armor.

"Who are you?!" Orochimaru pointed his sword at the newcomer.

"Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze, bitch. Also known as…your executioner."

"Naruto? Where did you get that armor?" Hiruzen gasped.

"Seals, old man. Don't think I'm here to save you, Oath-Breaker, I'm here for the Snakefuck" Naruto drew his two-handed sword off of his back.

"How did you even get in here?" Orochimaru hissed.

"Well…I walked into the building and went UNDER THE FUCKING BARRIER YOU DIPSHIT!" the two eye holes on Naruto's helmet blazed red.

"You will both fall by my hands**! Edo Tensei: Impure World Reincarnation**!"

Two coffins began to rise from the roof. The Kanji for 'One' and 'Two' prominent on the front. Hiruzen attempted to stop them but was stopped by Naruto," They will know what you have done."

The ground shook as the lids fell off to reveal the Hokage of Konoha's past. They looked to Hiruzen with disgust but Tobirama was the first to speak.

"We've been watching you, Hiruzen. You've betrayed us, betrayed Konoha, and betrayed The Will of Fire itself. You are not a Kage, only a coward."

His brother nodded in agreement before turning to dust, revealing the corpses of a random Sound shinobi and Kabuto.

"HOW!?" Orochimaru screamed and swung his sword at Naruto's throat, who laughed as it bounced off.

"You really are pathetic. You attacks can't harm me, your subordinates already tried…and failed. And by the way, when I was raiding your forward launching base I fucked Tayuya" Naruto snapped his fingers and the 'Tayuya' behind them disappeared in a plume of smoke.

The purple barrier fell and the ANBU swarmed in, shackling and subduing a stunned Orochimaru.

"Captain, take him to Interrogation. I'll be there shortly" Naruto addressed the ANBU with captain bars.

"Hai, Naruto-sama" The Captain quickly departed with his squad.

"So, you know" Hiruzen looked to Naruto.

The blonde snapped his fingers again and the Sound Four were next to him," Get back to The Estates and check on Kimimaro. I'll be there in a little while."

"Hai" they bowed before departing.

"How?"

"To answer your first question, everyone knows and no one is happy about it. They may hate me but they loved The 4th more than you. I gave the elders an ultimatum, force you into retirement or face utter annihilation. They chose very poorly. You're going to be joining Orochimaru in the Interrogation Department in a few seconds while I go and get Tsunade Senju to take your place. I have 99% of the shinobi population on my side as they think as highly of oath breakers as I do."

"You don't know what you're doing, Naruto!" Hiruzen cried in shock.

"Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm removing a cancer from Konoha. You betrayed your morals, my mother and father. You lied to Jiraiya and Tsunade, my godparents, and robbed them of their chance to have a family and for that I'll make sure you burn in Hell. Jiraiya, Kakashi; take him away" Naruto turned and began to walk away.

"You won't get away with this, demon!" Hiruzen spat at Naruto's feet while struggling against the two shinobi restraining him.

"No, Hiruzen, I am not the demon. You and all those who did me harm are the demons. Only a demon betrays someone on the level you betrayed me. I hope you burn," Naruto leapt from the bulding.

***The Arena Battleground***

Naruto used his great sword with great efficiency as he destroyed Sound ninja left and right. Gaara's sensei, Baki, had convinced Suna to aid Konoha in the invasion and to turn on Sound. Long story short, Sound was being soundly beaten.

With their leader dead and their elites fighting for Konoha, they quickly collapsed.

"Bahamut! I call you to this battlefield! Aid me in destroying my enemies" Naruto called forth a dragon, the third most powerful in all recorded history and leapt onto his back with grace.

"Now, Jiraiya!"

A large toad with a robe and tanto poofed into existence," Oil!"

He sprayed thick black oil across the confused invading army after all Konoha and Suna ninja had evacuated the arena.

"With me, Bahamut! Dragonblood: Oil Spark Decimation!"

Purple flames shot from their maws and caught the oil. The arena erupted into a slowly roasting bonfire.

A cheer rang from the Sand and Leaf forces at seeing their enemy defeated.

"Now to deal with those two traitors" Naruto flashed away.

***I&T Department* **

Orochimaru was strapped to a chair, chakra seals covering him and razor sharp barbed wire keeping him in firmly in place.

"How ironic, you're the one about to be tortured and experimented on" Naruto appeared in the room.

"Release me, boy!" Orochimaru roared.

"And what position are you in to demand anything from me?"

"You'll get nothing from me! Torture me all you wish!"

"Oh, I'm not the one who's going to be doing the torturing" Naruto stepped aside and allowed a beautiful, purple haired kunoichi into the room.

"Hello,'sensei'" Anko Mitarashi smirked.

"I'll leave you two alone to…catch up" Naruto relished the look of fear in Orochimaru's eyes.

He stepped out of the room and across the hall into a room holding the former Third Hokage. The former Kage was looking much worse for the wear with a seal across his mouth and the same barbed wire covering him as it did Orochimaru.

"My revenge is going to be…painful" Naruto grinned behind his helmet before it melted into a crimson headband with the Imperial Dragon on the metal to protect his forehead.

Hiruzen's muffled cries and curses were silenced by a backhand from Naruto,"Now, Hiruzen. It's time to pay your penance."

The Third's screams of torment drove three other prisoners to confess to their crimes.

***The Next Day***

Naruto smirked to himself as he held Konoha's 'Black Book', filled with all of Konoha's dirty little secrets. He sat in the council chambers next to Kakashi who had been made Hokage for the time being.

"Naruto Namikaze had been promoted to chunnin per his performance in the failed Sound Invasion" Kakashi pinned chunnin bars onto Naruto's shoulders.

"That beast isn't fit to be chunnin! We demand-"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did you just demand something from me? The Hokage? Ruler of the Village? That guy who can make your life a living Hell if you fuck with me?" Kakashi glared at the man.

The man was about to shout again when a bolt of orange chakra sawed his head off.

All eyes turned to Naruto who had his feet on the table and his smoking revolver in hand.

"Now here's what's going to happen. I'm bringing Tsunade back to Konoha, she'll publicly execute most of you, and when I turn eighteen I'll rule over Konoha" Naruto shot another member of the council in the chest.

"I've already agreed to the terms" Kakashi eye smiled.

When Tsunade got back…heads were gonna roll…Oh, yes they were.

**WHOOOOOOOO! FUCK YEAH TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! SEE YOU LATER BRO'S!**


	2. Sheogorath

**Second chapter. Don't like it, don't care. Disclaimer bullshit inbound. Blah blah blah ownership.**

"We're moving, Ero-sennin. We'll be inside Tanzaku Town within the end of the day" Naruto stepped down the worn path with Jiraiya and Kakashi in tow.

"Alright, gaki. We'll follow your lead" the Toad Sage nodded and plodded along.

"We'll start your training as soon as possible, it's the least we owe you" Kakashi bowed his head in what could only be shame.

"I know about the orders from the council and that old fart Sarutobi, and while I wish you would've been smarter and disobeyed them I don't hold it against you. Jiraiya tried to protect me as much as he could whenever he was in the village, and I know you were assigned to my ANBU protection detail when I was younger. It's all water under the bridge" Naruto strolled down the trail and didn't notice the hidden smiles of his two companions.

A weight seemed to leave their shoulders and the tension gradually faded into nothing.

***Tanzaku Town***

The once proud Tanzaku Town Castle sagged downwards, a lot like Tsunade's real boobs.

"Where could she be?" Naruto looked about the giant town.

"Anywhere with cheap sake."

Naruto inhaled deeply," There's a bar not far from here. I smell sake, anger, and a lot of sexual frustration."

"The first two are definitely Tsunade, the other is probably her assistant, Shizune" Jiraiya stifled a laugh with his hand.

The trio had no trouble locating the bar and quickly entered, having already spotted The Slug Sannin. Her…personality…was hard to miss. A woman with black hair sat next to her, clutching a pig in a jacket.

'_I always get the crazy ones' _Naruto groaned mentally.

'**Right, they're the crazy ones" Kyuubi snorted.**

'_Do you want the 'What Does the Fox Say' treatment again?' Naruto growled._

'**I'll be good.'**

"So this is the legendary Sannin, Tsunade Senju, The Slug Princess of Konoha" Naruto studied her with his purple eye.

"What do you want?" Tsunade stared at her sake dish.

"For my god-mother to know the truth."

Tsunade's back straightened and she glared at Naruto," My godson is dead, killed by Kyuubi."

"Oh, really? Is that what they told you?" Naruto grabbed the Black Book from his ninja pouch, threw it on the table and told her to flip to page sixty-five.

"_October 11__th__, 1035 A.C._

_This is my first entry in my second tenure as Hokage. Minato's dead, Kushina's dead, and the Kyuubi sealed into their infant son. Minato wanted Jiraiya, Tsunade, and myself to watch over 'it'. I've kept Jiraiya at bay by threatening to kill the boy if he ever got too close to him. Kakashi knows nothing of my plans so I slapped him into 'the boy's' ANBU guard. Tsunade was too easy to fool, I just told her Kyuubi's massive chakra signature crushed the cave along with Kushina and her baby. She bought it easier than I ever suspected and fled Konoha soon after. Now I've got to play the 'Grandpa' to gain the brat's trust. Danzo tried to talk me into letting him integrate the brat into ROOT, it was tempting but ultimately against my plans. It's going to need emotions from what I have planned._

_Hiruzen Sarutobi _

"That son of a bitch! Where is he!? I'll kill him!" Tsunade raged.

"He's dead, buried in a shallow grave in a hundred different pieces…I counted. We also got that bastard Orochimaru" Naruto grinned.

"Is he dead?"

"Nah, not until Anko's done with him."

A blood curdling scream echoed loudly from miles away.

"Which was just now" Naruto's grin widened considerably.

"So…what happens now?" Tsunade laced her fingers together.

"Well, here's what I have planned. Get you to Konoha, kill bitches, hook you and Jiraiya up, bang your assistant, and take over when I'm eighteen."

Shizune blushed a furious color of red while Tsunade cursed under her breath," Great, he's a pervert."

"So what do you say?" Kakashi spoke up.

"Fine, I'll do it…if the brat can master a jutsu in a week" Tsunade smirked.

"Deal, I'll be taking your necklace too" Naruto smirked back.

***Three Days Later***

"Now you're almost ready for the new type of Rasengan, focus the lightning chakra into your hand and let it swirl with the wind chakra and hold it" Kakashi was walking around Naruto who was perfecting his new 'Rasendori'. '

"Okay, my eye senses that it's perfectly stable, great job, Naruto. You did it" Kakashi eye smiled.

"Let's head back to the hotel" Naruto dispelled the jutsu.

The Copy-Ninja nodded and they began to walk back to their shared room. As they arrived at the front door, Naruto's hands began to twitch and Kakashi realized he was using ANBU hand signals.

'_Two S-rank, hallway, go in around back.'_

Kakashi nodded and gave a fake wave of goodbye before leaving.

Naruto stepped into the lobby and purposely bumped into two men wearing black cloaks with red clouds dotting them.

"Naruto Uzumaki. Come with us, please" said the shorter one in a monotone that sounded oddly familiar.

'_So this is the Akatsuki.'_

Naruto silently dropped a small slip of paper on the floor.

"Should we lop off one of his legs so he can't run?" the taller one grinned savagely.

"Kisame Hoshigaki and Itachi Uchiha…fine, I'll go with you" Naruto eyed the two.

"w-what?" Kisame gaped.

"I said I'd go with you willingly, Fishy-chan. Now, let's go."

The pair nodded and each grabbed a shoulder before disappearing.

***Ten Minutes Later With Kakashi***

"Where is he?" Kakashi had felt Naruto's massive chakra signature disappear a few minutes ago. He stepped into the lobby and found a note.

'_Don't worry, I'll be back in a few hours and with some new friends.'_

"Always got a plan, don't you Naruto" Kakashi grinned behind his mask.

***The Akatsuki Base***

Naruto grinned, despite the situation.

He was chained in a room, a blindfold over his eyes, and The Angel of Rain keeping guard over him.

"So, Konan-chan. How goes the Jinchuuriki-napping?" Naruto was bored and tried to make conversation.

"Be quiet!" Konan snapped.

"Someone should be called 'The Ice Angel'" Naruto snorted.

"I'm not icy…I'm just reserved."

"A rose by any other name is just as sweet" Naruto grinned cheekily.

'_Four tumblers and two spring mechanisms' _the blonde checked over the locks mentally.

With a muffled click, the bonds fell away and Naruto slipped silently out of the chains.

"Well it's a good thing for you…I know quite well how to melt an Ice Queen" Naruto appeared behind Konan and breathed against her neck.

"What are you-" Konan found herself spun around and Naruto's mouth ravaging hers. She tried to struggle but found her body unresponsive, even her paper fluttered to the ground.

The blonde stepped back and took in his handiwork. Konan was flushed, trembling, and obviously dazed.

She saw the fiery passion in her eyes and her knees became weak.

"You're mine, Konan-chan" Naruto unzipped her cloak. She nodded limply and found herself pinned to the wall.

"Naruto-kun…"

She tried to speak but found a finger against her lips.

"Sshh, mind-blowing sex now, talking later."

***Two Hours Later***

Konan was sleeping soundly on the floor as Naruto slipped into the main chamber of the Akatsuki base.

The Gedo statue loomed in front of him and his face took on a grin as he charged up a Rasengan to annihilate it forever.

"Tobi can't let you do that" a voice from above gave Naruto pause.

A man sat on one of the fingers, wearing an orange spiral mask.

"That's the name you chose for yourself, Obito? A slight play on you old name?"

"How did you know?" Obito dropped his 'Tobi' persona.

"My spy network is the best in the world, Obito. I know of everyone in Akatsuki, Nagato and Madara included.

"What are you doing here? How do you know me?" Obito snarled behind his mask.

"I'm here to recruit the members of Akatsuki into my army. And did you really think I'd forget the man who saved my life?"

"And how will you convince them? How will you convince me?"

"Everyone has their price, Obito. And I know them all. With you, it'll be an easy recruitment."

"LIES! I won't bend to your will!" Obito spat.

"What if I could bring Rin back? No Edo Tensei, no sacrifice, no crumbling into dust. I can do that and so much more, including bringing peace to the world."

"How?! How can a mere boy conquer death?" Obito shouted.

"A Shinigami owes me a few favors."

"Prove it" Obito growled and uncovered his face, Sharingan and Rinnegan blazing.

"Hey, Kenpachi! Send her down you lazy bastard!" Naruto shouted at the ceiling.

"About time, boy! I've got the paperwork filled out and ready for one Rin Nohara" a voice shook the cavern.

A bolt of lightning destroyed the ceiling and impacted the ground, making a large crater. In the center was a woman clothed in black and white robes. Her long brown hair was tied in a high ponytail that reached past her neck.

"R-Rin?" Obito looked ready to cry.

"Obito?" the woman stood and adjusted the katana on her back.

"I'll leave you guys to…talk. Hey, Rin? Fix his fucking face would you? It's starting to creep me out" Naruto shuddered and walked away.

Now it was time to recruit the rest of Akatsuki, sans Madara.

"What the fuck was that?" Naruto could hear the Jashin priest, Hidan, cursing loudly.

"Maybe it was something I can kill!" Kisame lifted up Samehada and grinned.

"You guys are lame. None of you have artistic ability, un" Deidara, The Mad Bomber of Rock snorted.

"Hey, who's the brat?" Kakuzu stepped into the chamber followed by the other members.

"Your new boss" Naruto waved with a smile.

All of them were silent before bursting into uproarious laughter, all except Konan.

"Haha! You? A kid?!" Hidan cackled wildly.

"You can't be serious!" Kisame guffawed.

"Oh, I'm as serious as death Fishy-chan. You can join me or I can decimate every single one of you with ruthless efficiency" Naruto drew Cerberus before blasting Hidan's scythe into tiny pieces before ripping the Jashin emblem from is neck.

"How dare you disrespect Jashin-sama?!" Hidan roared.

"You worship a demon, an underling. Not a God. There's someone I'd love for you to meet, I'm sure you'll get along famously" Naruto bit his thumb and ran the blood over a seal on his forearm.

A staff appeared, made of a blackish metal, with faces carved into the top. One smiling, one crying, and one roaring in anger.

"Meet…The Wabbajack! Eh?" Naruto waved it around.

"The What-A-What?" Sasori asked.

"Come to my plain, Sheogorath!"

"Oi! Naruto ,my boy, how are ya?" from the shadows, a man in a purple and orange suit stepped out.

"I am well, this is the Jashin worshipper I've told you so much about" Naruto checked his seals over.

"What was his name again? No, don't tell me! I want to guess!" Sheogorath produced a slice of cheese and placed it atop Hidan's head.

'What. The. Fuck?' was the collective thought of the gathered shinobi.

"Hmmm, yes. The measurements check out! His name's Hidan!" the man cackled.

"Who is this guy?! He's no match for Jashin-sama!" Hidan smacked the cheese off of his head.

"This is Sheogorath. He is the Prince of Madness, Ruler of the Shivering Isles, Lord of the never there" Naruto spoke.

"Whoops! I guess the cat's out of the bag on that one! Who puts cats in bags anyhow? Cats HATE bags!" Sheogorath bowed.

"But, Jashin-"

"Jashin? That little nugget is still causing trouble? I'll take care of that!" Sheogorath reached his hand into the shadows and pulled out a scrawny man with red skin.

"J-Jashin!?" Hidan gasped.

"So, Jashin. Moving in on my territory are ya? The psychotic, sociopathic murderers are mine!" The Daedric Prince narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"W-wait! I can explain!" Jashin flailed around.

"Oh, I'm sure you can! But making you explode will be so much more fun!"

His hand's glowed before Jashin exploded in a shower of gore that coated everyone in the nearby vicinity.

Hidan cried out in pain as a black mist drifted out of his body, formed the shape of a skull, and disappeared in the shadows.

"Now that we've gotten rid of that nasty little guy, I want to recruit you to be my champion!"

"AND WHY SHOULD I FUCKING ACCEPT!?" shouted an irate Hidan.

"I am a part of you, little mortal. I am a shadow of your subconscious, a blemish on your fragile little psyche. You know me. You just don't know it. You'll be able to slaughter as you please, without a sacrifice, as long as you wield my weapon. The Spear of Bitter Mercy" Sheogorath stamped the ground and a trident appeared in a jet of flames.

"Fine. Why not? Hit me, crazy guy" Hidan sighed.

"Wonderful! Time for a celebration... Cheese for everyone! Wait, scratch that. Cheese for no one. That can be just as much of a celebration, if you don't like cheese, true? But no cheese for you yet. Well, maybe a little" Sheogorath then proceeded to dry-hump a sweet roll.

Everyone blinked once.

Twice.

Three times.

"What are you doing, un?" Deidara spoke up.

"Indulging my desire for sweets, why? Would you like to switch places, lass?" Sheogorath winked.

"…I'm a guy!" Deidara growled and reached for his clay.

The Daedric Prince was faster and blasted the blonde with the Wabbajack. Deidara yelped as he was covered in red smoke before changing into a chicken, then an ox, a wheel of cheese, and finally back into himself.

With two lumps on his chest.

"There you go! No more confusion! Do you like it? Huh? Huh?! Answer me!" Sheogorath bounced around the cave.

Deidara grabbed his crotch and began to sob," My Boomstick!"

"Lord Sheogorath, I believe he's suffered enough" Naruto could hardly contain his laughter. The other members of Akatsuki weren't as generous as even Sasori was clutching his ribs as he wheezed with laughter.

"Ah, killjoy. Fine, I'll turn him back into a he-she. Happy now? Huh!? Why does no one answer me!?"

Another red bolt struck Deidara and he morphed into a horse, a violin, a bottle of mead, and back into his 'male' form.

"He's back! He's back!" Deidara continued to grab his…Boomstick in joy.

"So…who still doubts I'm your new boss?" Naruto grinned before summoning every Daedric Deity onto his plane of existence.

Things were going to be getting quite fun…quite fun, indeed.

**Tell me what you guys think :D See you later bro's!**


End file.
